The holidays are called the most wonderful time of the year, but when you are grieving, they can feel like the longest, loneliest season of all. If there is an empty chair at your table this year, please hear this first: whatever you feel is valid, and you are not alone.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that 64% of people living with mental health challenges say their symptoms worsen during the holidays, and studies show that 78% of grieving individuals feel lonelier this time of year. Grief does not take a season off. But there are gentle, practical ways to carry both your grief and your love through the weeks ahead.
1. Feel what you feel, when you feel it.
Time itself does not heal grief. It is what we do with the time that matters. Numbing the pain, whether with busyness, alcohol, or pretending the holidays do not exist, only postpones the anguish. Let the tears come when they come. Experiencing the pain, rather than running from it, is what actually moves you forward.
2. Give yourself permission to change your mind.
This one matters more than people realize. You may have said yes to dinner with family or friends, and now that the day is here, you simply cannot face it. That is okay. You are allowed to change your mind. Agreeing to something does not obligate you to force yourself through it if your heart is not able.
You can stay home, rest, cry, breathe, and try again another day. Changing your mind is not letting anyone down. It is honoring what you need in that moment, and that is an act of self compassion, not selfishness.
3. You do not have to please everyone.
Other people may push you to participate in every event and every tradition. You do not have to try to please people at the expense of your own healing. It helps to plan an exit line in advance, something like, “Thank you so much for including me. I am going to stay for a little while, then I need to head home.” Setting a boundary is not rude. It is survival.
4. Honor your loved one in tangible ways.
Death cannot rob you of your memories or your love. So bring your loved one into the season on purpose. Cook their favorite dishes and set them on the table. Play their favorite holiday music, or the songs they loved all year long. Watch the movie they always quoted, or play the board games that belonged to them.
Say their name out loud at dinner and invite others to share their favorite stories. Grievers often fear that talking about the person will deepen the sadness, but the truth is that speaking their name is usually a gift to everyone at the table.
5. Create something that keeps them close.
Some of the most beautiful memorials are the ones you make with your own hands. Paint a small rock garden with their favorite sayings and place it where you can see it every day. If you have letters or notes in their handwriting, you can have a memorial bench inscribed with their words and surround it with their favorite flowers.
Sew a blanket from their clothing so you can wrap yourself in their memory on hard nights. If you have their signature, you can even have it stitched onto a pair of jeans or a piece of clothing you wear. These are not sad reminders. They are love with a place to live.
6. Serve in their name.
One of the most healing things you can do is serve at your loved one’s favorite nonprofit or organization. Volunteering in their honor transforms the pain of loss into purpose, and it connects you with people while doing something your loved one cared about. It is a way of saying, your life still makes a difference.
7. Plan ahead for the hard moments.
You know which dates will sting, the anniversary, the first holiday morning without them, the family photos. Decide in advance how you want to spend those moments, whether resting, gathering with one or two safe people, or doing something completely different. A plan takes the panic out of the day and puts you back in charge of your own season.
8. Reach for support.
If the season feels like too much, please do not carry it alone. Talk with a trusted friend, join a grief support group, or reach out for professional help. Grief recovery is not about forgetting. It is about finding a way to carry the love forward without the crushing weight of the pain.
The holidays after a loss will never be quite the same, but they can still hold moments of comfort, connection, and even joy. Be gentle with yourself. Change your mind as often as you need to. And remember, the love never dies. 🩼
Rev. Lina Lassiter, Certified Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist, President and Founder of Forever Healed
